Remembering

I remember so many things now that I am in therapy that didn't matter before and now, it seems to feel so relevant. It's insane to me.

I remember when we were going through our divorce how the control was so real. The fact that he was 1200 miles away when he asked me to stay in my apartment I listened. I knew that our marriage was over but, I still listened. I knew that he couldn't see me but, I was scared that he did see me somehow. I mean, isn't that crazy? I was best friends with my current husband and he thought that I was insane. I was thinking that I was doing right by my husband even though I knew it was over when now maybe I was just being controlled and I didn't even know it.

My heart breaks because there are so many revelations and memories that are coming flooding back and I don't really know what to do with them. I was sitting in counseling and my therapist was talking to me about my past relationship and she opened a damn can of worms and I have just felt like crying and been in some serious moods about it because I just have to deal with it but I prefer not to. I think that is the key to all of this stuff isn't it? Your mind just wants you to forget but it doesn't because all of these things are still hidden away and not dealt with.

I can tell you that after my divorce I got remarried to a wonderful guy and we moved away from the drama. We moved somewhere that was completely isolated because of work and I got into school, fitness, and "proving" to everyone else that I was a good Mom. We moved again and I was so busy with worked and came across another abusive person and now, here I am.

I can't say anything else but there is a part of me that looks outside of myself and I feel bad for me. I kept myself so damn busy and wasn't aware of the self care that I needed until now. That makes me sad because everyone that I have come across in my life has been touched by my troubles in negative ways. I have been a tornado of pain and I didn't realize it until now.