Over and beyond

Today the past came back to bite me, in a way that I hadn't let it in such a long time. I had gone and tucked it all away and tried to convince myself that I could get past it, that it was gone.

It never left.

 I was just good at suppressing it and now it's back. With a vengeance. I feel some kind of way about my therapy appointment. I opened up about some past event and remembered some memories that I didn't really remember were there. I am unlocking things that I had left alone as if I wanted to just escape from my past as if it didn't exist. I feel as if the beast has come out. I also know that if I don't let it out, it will never go away.

I was asked today what I want to reclaim back and I have been so protected within myself that I sometimes feel that I don't even know who I am any more. I feel as if so much was taken away from me that I have had to rebuild who I was and now I am coming to realize that much of who I am now is a protection over the person that is hurt inside. Theoretically the hurt Jeannette is still inside me hurting and I have created this other stronger Jeannette to protect the hurt one. I want to feel whole again. I want to walk through life and not have to have anxiety over every little thing, analyze everything that I have done wrong. The more I have tried to walk away from the fact that I am a victim I am realizing that this is my truth. I am a victim. 

This blog is going to be my journey through my therapy and a writing of my past.