Feeling validated

I see a therapist. She is absolutely lovely and I really like her a lot. As we go through and get to know one another more we open up to each other......well, I guess I open up to her.

I have anxiety. I am ok saying that because it is just a part of who I am it's just that recently it has become a bigger issue in my life. While I was talking to her I was telling her about an old boss of mine and described the things that she had done to me while I was working under her. She validated my feelings and fears that came from working with this woman and told me that it was her and that it wasn't me. In a way, I felt like I should feel good about this because it made me feel like she was telling me that I was a threat to her. She knew that I did a good job and she chastised me for it. I am not one to think this way of people generally but when it came to her and how much she messed with my mind I had gone back to a place that I was at when I was 21-26 years old.

I was in a position where I would question my every move, made sure that I didn't make mistakes and felt like a total failure when I made them because she would only ask me about the mistakes I made. Not anyone else in the office. This person acted as if she was a "buddy" of mine and then would chastise me all in the same breath it seemed. Today I felt that what was happening wasn't me this time, it wasn't something that I did when that is all that I thought and by her talking to me about it and explaining it to me in a professional manner I felt like I was released from those inadequate feelings.

I worry a lot, I am very worst case scenario and most of all I am really not fair to myself or give myself enough credit for the good that I do. I also feel that when I do good, I shouldn't be proud of my accomplishments because then it becomes boasting. Not me boasting but other people thinking that I am.........I feel like a complicated being.

Working through my anxiety issues and learning to cope with better ways and like my therapist says look at my feelings and worry with curiosity and compassion is going to be hard but it is also going to be worth it.

Facebook and transformation

This past week has been a rough one on many levels.

I had a co-worker get mad at me because I told her that she couldn't do something she had committed to.

I had someone post that I was drinking on the weekend, which is cool but, drinking increases my anxiety issues so, it made me overthink that night.

I had someone question me when I misunderstood that I didn't want to hang out with the one who was mad at me to make an already uncomfortable situation more uncomfortable. I am not in the business of being uncomfortable or having anyone be awkward because of "issues."

My husband was gone for 9 days and it was my daughter and I alone all week and being a new town with no friends and one that was mad at me made it for a rough week all together.

I am saying all of this because I have been in deep thought for 2 days about a lot of things and I have come to a conclusion.

Facebook and alcohol are not my friends. 

I have found that over the coming months some issues with myself and with Facebook. Over the election time and all of this racial divide I have seen it first hand in my feed. As a person that is somewhat ignorant to these racial dilemmas, I have seen that people are on either side of the fence and seeing the arguments and opinions of either side made me really think that I don't really want to see others opinions. I kind of take them personally even though I shouldn't and make judgements against people. I have noticed myself scrolling and thinking. 

"Oh she had a baby." and "Here we go again on the race train" or "Oh look at her boasting" 

WHO AM I? 

Sometimes I think that we can know too much about a person and some people including myself build this type of "persona" on the internet. Case in point. I have a tough daughter and she IS TOUGH and strong willed and it drives me up a wall. I jokingly said that people either look at my Facebook and think I am being funny or I seriously can't handle my child and he said I think it's both. 

That made me think. If I am on the screen judging than everyone else is too and we are all putting ourselves out there and being validated as who we are as a person on a sentence, picture, or anything really. 

Not only that, people use it as a ploy to let others know that they are mad at you or not and I am not down for those games.

Between Facebook and alcohol my anxiety issues have been really present in my life. Now that I am living in a new area and don't have many people to connect to I feel myself going online to "see what's going on." My anxiety has come to a level where I don't even recognize myself anymore and that's not cool.

SO, I quit Facebook for a little bit how long? I don't know but I need a break and I quit alcohol. None of them are of service to me at this moment and I want to be a better person so, if removing those things out of my life that aren't essential maybe I will be better off? Who knows?

Fitness ~ Plans

I go through different phases when it comes to fitness and it's most of the time from one extreme to another. I was a die hard Beachbody fan and I still enjoy the workouts but I live in a tiny house now and don't have the room to set up a gym so it's doesn't really work to do the workouts that I enjoy that require a bunch of equipment.

I like to run long distances. I have completed 2 marathons and 5 half marathons and running for over a year now has been a really big part of my life. My weekends were dominated by long runs and my loving husband always held down the fort on the weekends.



I am now in a new season of life where work and the logistics of picking up our kids has been taking up most of our days so I have done a lot of running and let go of the strength training aspect of my life because of my schedule and the lack of room at home. I am now injured and I thought to take some time off of the running to properly heal my ankle and I find myself with wondering what I am going to do.

Last week, I frequented the gym and started weight lifting again and let me tell you I was SUPER sore and pretty much lost all my strength. I bicep curl 10 pounds and even that feels like too much HA HA. I pretty much played around with different workouts and have come to the conclusion that I have to basically go beginner style to a degree to gain some strength again.

I am going to do Body Beast at the gym everyday for the next 12 weeks. I am pretty familiar with the program as a whole so I am going to start there and see what happens. I am going to run in Jan because I should be better and I also have to because of my job. After I finish the beast I think I will be able to handle some harder workouts :)

Since I have gone through both extremes and running brings me a ton of joy I am going to get back to doing both workouts starting next year just to have more balance. Now, if I could just get the eating in check I will be good ha ha ha.

Well, Hello

There are so many things that I want to write about and I want a place where I am able to come back and look at my thoughts. Maybe create a book out of it. Who knows?

I want to be able to document my physical fitness progress and write about my feelings. I definitely have some issues and writing them out helps me find a solution to a problem.

I have anxiety problems, I have a daughter going through the terrible 2's, I want to build muscle and eat better, I am a long distance runner that is currently injured, I am married but the liklihood of me speaking on my marriage is probably pretty slim. I dabble in photography and would love to be able to have a wedding photography business and I want to document that too. SO there it is Jeannette Gregory and the many facets of her life.

This blog is mainly for me and if you want to join the ride well come on! Let's have a blast going so.