The new year

As most people do on those few days before the New Year we think about where we want the next year to go. Since I have done this I have gone a long way in my life to get where I have wanted to go with this little life of mine.

2017 has a lot in store for me professionally but other than what is going to be expected of me I don't know what else I want to dream up. I suppose that planning a whole year in a matter of days is a lot to put on your plate as a person so, I know I want this year to be awesome but here are some things that I want to carry over into 2017 that I didn't finish in 2016.

Move into a bigger home
Pay off my USAA credit card
Pay off my student loan

Now onto 2017 I like to put categories to mine because I tend to stay in the fitness section ha ha! It comes naturally to me so it is easier for me to set goals there.

- Fitness - 

Run 2 marathons 

Learn to backpack

-Money-

 Save our 3 month emergency fund

Invest in TSP

- Faith-

Find a church that feels like hom

Find a womens Bible study 

-Personal Development-

 Learn to stay in the present and create a baseline for me that keeps me there

Read 1 personal development book a month

- Friends and family- 

1 family day out per month

1 date night per month

Family game night every Friday

- Work-

Book 15 weddings through American Wedding Group

Take a leadership seminar or class

I could probably get a little bit deeper with these goals but, I like where it is right now. I would love to take a trip out to Zion National Park but considering that I have to pay off the monkey on my back that is debt I will save that one for later. Right now I think that all of these things will keep me better and make me into a better person. While I accomplish these I certainly hope to heal from my past trauma so that I can continue to move forward with my life.

Remembering

I remember so many things now that I am in therapy that didn't matter before and now, it seems to feel so relevant. It's insane to me.

I remember when we were going through our divorce how the control was so real. The fact that he was 1200 miles away when he asked me to stay in my apartment I listened. I knew that our marriage was over but, I still listened. I knew that he couldn't see me but, I was scared that he did see me somehow. I mean, isn't that crazy? I was best friends with my current husband and he thought that I was insane. I was thinking that I was doing right by my husband even though I knew it was over when now maybe I was just being controlled and I didn't even know it.

My heart breaks because there are so many revelations and memories that are coming flooding back and I don't really know what to do with them. I was sitting in counseling and my therapist was talking to me about my past relationship and she opened a damn can of worms and I have just felt like crying and been in some serious moods about it because I just have to deal with it but I prefer not to. I think that is the key to all of this stuff isn't it? Your mind just wants you to forget but it doesn't because all of these things are still hidden away and not dealt with.

I can tell you that after my divorce I got remarried to a wonderful guy and we moved away from the drama. We moved somewhere that was completely isolated because of work and I got into school, fitness, and "proving" to everyone else that I was a good Mom. We moved again and I was so busy with worked and came across another abusive person and now, here I am.

I can't say anything else but there is a part of me that looks outside of myself and I feel bad for me. I kept myself so damn busy and wasn't aware of the self care that I needed until now. That makes me sad because everyone that I have come across in my life has been touched by my troubles in negative ways. I have been a tornado of pain and I didn't realize it until now.

Marriage

No one really knows what it means to be married other than what you see as an example that you grew up with. He grew up with a single mother and I grew up with parents that stayed together. I had preconceived notions as to what marriage looked like and how it was supposed to work and I couldn't really tell you if he did because I do not think that we were in a mental capacity to understand all that a marriage really was. I can look at that part of our decision to wed in that mindset objectively.

Things were pretty much broken from the beginning because we had just gotten married for "benefits" and it brought out the worst in both of us.

I remember the resentment.

We had gotten married and he moved up to NY to live with me a few months after. He was trying to get a transfer for a job so that he didn't have to look for work. He ended up getting "fired" (lie #1 of many) and he moved up to NY and wasn't able to get unemployment. The lie was big.

He called me and told me that he had gotten in a forklift he was not allowed to drive and hit the side of the truck and caused so much damage that he got fired. He said that he was not able to get the unemployment because of that. The truth that came out years later? He had gotten caught stealing items from his job and because of his stealing he got fired.

The strain of being married and not making enough money and taking on his bills took a lot out of me. At that point you could say that I was not comfortable taking care of a man. I paid the bills, bought the groceries, and had our home. I had pretty much done it all and if I didn't pressure him to find work or ask for status updates on where money was going to come from he was content sitting at home looking at pornography movies or playing video games. There were many times when I would have to ask my father to get me out of a pit and it pretty much happened about once a month. I had to eat crap and ask for money and he didn't do anything. I started to feel the weight of the responsibility of being married and while I was growing up seeing my father work and put food on the table while my mother raised my sister and I. This example and life model was what I was doing but the opposite. The stress of all of that gave into many fights. None of them totally bad but we yelled pretty bad at each other.

A few month later I had found out that I was pregnant with my son and eventually he got a job at a fast food restaurant. He was able to pay his portion of the bills so I stayed pretty content because the phone calls to my father asking for money had stopped. I remember sitting in my office and talking to everyone and they talked to me about day care and the cost of what it would be to put my future son at the time in daycare. They told me that it was going to cost $500. At the time, that was 1/2 of my monthly pay! I could not afford to have my son in day care and work so I took the option to get out of the service to take care of my kid. I ended up moving back home to my parents house when I was 6 months pregnant. Making that decision was the hardest decision I had to make and one that would probably mold me for a long time coming.

You see, I had always wanted to be in the service. I was in 8th grade and had gotten a letter from the Army telling me that I had to wait until I was in 11th grade to sign up for the delayed entry program and that is exactly what I did. I gave up on my dream because I needed to do what was right for my son but also because I knew somehow that staying in and living my dream was not going to be supported by my spouse.

The meeting

I first saw him in high school. I had the biggest crush on him but, he was untouchable. He was popular and I was a regular kid. Not popular but, not so much of a geek either. just there. I remember that we used to catch each other staring at one another but because of the hierarchy that is high school we did not really speak to one another. He graduated and so did I and I went off the the military and he had stayed in our home town to pursue his own ambitions.

I was going to come home on leave about a year after we had graduated and my friend was dating his best friend and she wanted to "hook me up" so that I wouldn't be alone when they hung out together. Once she had told me that it was him I freaked out still anxious about the whole high school popularity contest that I had told her no but, she did her own thing. That's usually how it went with my girl. I went home on leave we all went to a party and we ended up having a one night stand and it took off from there. I went back to NY and again he stayed home to pursue whatever it was that he wanted.

It took a few weeks but, we had started talking on the phone and eventually I never got off the phone. He came to visit me in the barracks from Florida and because of a deployment to Kosovo we decided that we would get married. After three months of having telephone conversations we had decided to get married.My Dad thought it was a bad idea and when he had asked me, "Kid, are you sure you are doing the right thing?" I should have told him no and called off the engagement but, there was something about him that kept me attracted and I got married anyway.

I never did go to Kosovo and I never did regret getting married after I had talked to my Dad. There was a point where eventually the thought entered and never left but, we are a long way from telling that part of the tale.

Over and beyond

Today the past came back to bite me, in a way that I hadn't let it in such a long time. I had gone and tucked it all away and tried to convince myself that I could get past it, that it was gone.

It never left.

 I was just good at suppressing it and now it's back. With a vengeance. I feel some kind of way about my therapy appointment. I opened up about some past event and remembered some memories that I didn't really remember were there. I am unlocking things that I had left alone as if I wanted to just escape from my past as if it didn't exist. I feel as if the beast has come out. I also know that if I don't let it out, it will never go away.

I was asked today what I want to reclaim back and I have been so protected within myself that I sometimes feel that I don't even know who I am any more. I feel as if so much was taken away from me that I have had to rebuild who I was and now I am coming to realize that much of who I am now is a protection over the person that is hurt inside. Theoretically the hurt Jeannette is still inside me hurting and I have created this other stronger Jeannette to protect the hurt one. I want to feel whole again. I want to walk through life and not have to have anxiety over every little thing, analyze everything that I have done wrong. The more I have tried to walk away from the fact that I am a victim I am realizing that this is my truth. I am a victim. 

This blog is going to be my journey through my therapy and a writing of my past.

Feeling validated

I see a therapist. She is absolutely lovely and I really like her a lot. As we go through and get to know one another more we open up to each other......well, I guess I open up to her.

I have anxiety. I am ok saying that because it is just a part of who I am it's just that recently it has become a bigger issue in my life. While I was talking to her I was telling her about an old boss of mine and described the things that she had done to me while I was working under her. She validated my feelings and fears that came from working with this woman and told me that it was her and that it wasn't me. In a way, I felt like I should feel good about this because it made me feel like she was telling me that I was a threat to her. She knew that I did a good job and she chastised me for it. I am not one to think this way of people generally but when it came to her and how much she messed with my mind I had gone back to a place that I was at when I was 21-26 years old.

I was in a position where I would question my every move, made sure that I didn't make mistakes and felt like a total failure when I made them because she would only ask me about the mistakes I made. Not anyone else in the office. This person acted as if she was a "buddy" of mine and then would chastise me all in the same breath it seemed. Today I felt that what was happening wasn't me this time, it wasn't something that I did when that is all that I thought and by her talking to me about it and explaining it to me in a professional manner I felt like I was released from those inadequate feelings.

I worry a lot, I am very worst case scenario and most of all I am really not fair to myself or give myself enough credit for the good that I do. I also feel that when I do good, I shouldn't be proud of my accomplishments because then it becomes boasting. Not me boasting but other people thinking that I am.........I feel like a complicated being.

Working through my anxiety issues and learning to cope with better ways and like my therapist says look at my feelings and worry with curiosity and compassion is going to be hard but it is also going to be worth it.

Facebook and transformation

This past week has been a rough one on many levels.

I had a co-worker get mad at me because I told her that she couldn't do something she had committed to.

I had someone post that I was drinking on the weekend, which is cool but, drinking increases my anxiety issues so, it made me overthink that night.

I had someone question me when I misunderstood that I didn't want to hang out with the one who was mad at me to make an already uncomfortable situation more uncomfortable. I am not in the business of being uncomfortable or having anyone be awkward because of "issues."

My husband was gone for 9 days and it was my daughter and I alone all week and being a new town with no friends and one that was mad at me made it for a rough week all together.

I am saying all of this because I have been in deep thought for 2 days about a lot of things and I have come to a conclusion.

Facebook and alcohol are not my friends. 

I have found that over the coming months some issues with myself and with Facebook. Over the election time and all of this racial divide I have seen it first hand in my feed. As a person that is somewhat ignorant to these racial dilemmas, I have seen that people are on either side of the fence and seeing the arguments and opinions of either side made me really think that I don't really want to see others opinions. I kind of take them personally even though I shouldn't and make judgements against people. I have noticed myself scrolling and thinking. 

"Oh she had a baby." and "Here we go again on the race train" or "Oh look at her boasting" 

WHO AM I? 

Sometimes I think that we can know too much about a person and some people including myself build this type of "persona" on the internet. Case in point. I have a tough daughter and she IS TOUGH and strong willed and it drives me up a wall. I jokingly said that people either look at my Facebook and think I am being funny or I seriously can't handle my child and he said I think it's both. 

That made me think. If I am on the screen judging than everyone else is too and we are all putting ourselves out there and being validated as who we are as a person on a sentence, picture, or anything really. 

Not only that, people use it as a ploy to let others know that they are mad at you or not and I am not down for those games.

Between Facebook and alcohol my anxiety issues have been really present in my life. Now that I am living in a new area and don't have many people to connect to I feel myself going online to "see what's going on." My anxiety has come to a level where I don't even recognize myself anymore and that's not cool.

SO, I quit Facebook for a little bit how long? I don't know but I need a break and I quit alcohol. None of them are of service to me at this moment and I want to be a better person so, if removing those things out of my life that aren't essential maybe I will be better off? Who knows?